Yoga Healing

The strangest thing happened to me in yoga class the other night.

We were doing "pigeon pose" which is a serious hip stretch.  We are told that you carry emotion in your hips.  If you are really tight in your hips it's because you are holding onto something that is no longer serving you.  I have cried on many occasions while doing hip stretches in yoga class.  Well, most of the time it is my right hip that is the tightest, and your right side represents masculine energy.  There is one visualization that I really like for the pose; on the inhale in the {uncomfortable} stretch you bring light, love, and energy into your body, and on the exhale you send it to a man in your life who has caused you pain.  Recently, this has always been the same guy, a guy who is on my mind more than I would like.  But, on this night, it wasn't my right hip that was tight, and no specific guy popped into my mind during this stretch. 

My left hip was the tight hip. The left hip which represents feminine energy.  And who popped into my head as I was visualizing light, love, and energy? I did.  I listened to our instructor saying, "..this may be 'past' you... and you are not 'past' you anymore, and you will not be 'past' you in your future... forgive yourself and let go of any guilt or negative energy you are holding onto about your past mistakes or decisions." 

I finally cleared up all negative male relationship energy in my life, and who was my focus on now? Me. How interesting, I thought to myself.  I had been spending so much time in the past few months clearing all the clutter away from my brain and my heart, and the only thing left was the issues with myself.

I didn't think about it too much in class, because you are supposed to clear your mind and let things go.  But, I was contemplating this later, thinking about the things I might not have forgiven my 'past' self for.  I remember not always being so nice to my siblings (especially my sister) and even some of my friends in high school.  One might say I was just a normal teenager, but I think some of that anger came from having to deal with muscular dystrophy.  It's always been frustrating.  

Another thing I haven't forgiven my past (or present) self for: not accepting my body.  When my muscles fail and I am on the ground cursing in my head, when I think about something I want to do and then realize how difficult that might be for me, and even my recent acceptance that my body may never be able to give me children... These are all things that I wish were different.  But then I feel guilty for wishing these things were different.  Aren't I supposed to accept my body and myself for what it is and who I am?  Aren't I perfect just the way I am?

It will take many, many more yoga sessions, dedicating the class to myself, and sending myself good energy, to know if this is really something I can do- if I can forgive myself for all past mistakes and decisions.  But I feel like this was an "aha" moment that might be leading me down a path that will really help me heal.